HOPE & SANITY
A few jokes about RELIGION before it kills us all
the point, is religious belief a form of mental illness, or
is it just a bit of fun ?
Is Jerusalem a holy city? Or is it a vortex of evil, a psychic energy drain feeding directly into the maw of Satan?
And who is the one true God?
By the way, welcome to the 21st century – the bright new tomorrow of yesteryear, or the fossilised old yesterday of today?
With religious dogma driving world events in a way not seen since the middle ages, is it finally showdown time for the children of Abraham?
And whose side are you on?
...where any white male millionaire can become president, as long as he’s born again in Jesus.
Or this guy...
...who wants to replace slack-bellied western decadence with something more wholesome, like polygamy and ritualised maiming.
Tough one, isn’t it?
get me wrong. I’m not saying religion doesn’t have its
uses. Personally I turn to it whenever I want my
And the holy scriptures come in very handy when I need to justify behaviour I’m ashamed of.
Actually, my problem is not with God, but with God's little helpers, the ones who take it upon themselves to police the rest of us on his behalf.
These people give religion a bad name, which, given its history, takes some doing.
They wear their ignorance as a badge of honour, and they hold very strong opinions about what other people should think.
Plus they’ve managed to insinuate themselves into a position where their beliefs are given equal weight with real ideas, and are allowed to affect our lives in all sorts of ridiculous ways.
So I’d just like to ask…
Without putting too fine a point on it…
HOW MUCH RESPECT
There are, of course, many sins one can commit in the eyes of religion. Among the greatest is the sin of having an original thought. Religion disapproves of original thought the way Dracula disapproves of sunlight.
Almost as bad is the sin of blasphemy, for which Christ was executed.
This is Rosco the pig, by the way. He wants to be part of this website, but I’ve told him he can’t, as his presence might offend Jews and Muslims. But, as you can see, he’s pretty stubborn, and he won’t take no for an answer.
Of course I could simply have him slaughtered and butchered. But I like animals, and I don’t think that’s the right way to treat them.
And he knows this, the crafty beggar, which makes him quite difficult to control.
I live in England, which is a Christian country. Not as rabidly so as America, but in a more genteel biscuit-tin sort of way. The Church of England is to religion what the cucumber sandwich is to food – it goes quite nicely with a cup of tea, but that’s about it.
Our national flag is the cross of St George, the cross of the Crusades. Our trans-national British flag, the Union Jack, is a blizzard of crosses, each representing a different Christian saint.
Our American cousins don’t have a cross on their flag, but they don’t need one. “In God We Trust” is written on their money. A cross on the flag would be overkill, and that’s the army’s job.
Both the American president and our prime minister are devout Christians, in a warmongering arms dealing sort of way.
As a result, our foreign policy is dictated by American Christian fundamentalist nutcases, who are often in a bad mood with the rest of the world because they find themselves in the awkward position of hating Jews, but loving Israel.
Ideally they’d like to see all the Jews in the world living in the Middle East. Then they wouldn’t have to focus so much on keeping them out of their golf clubs.
They hate Muslims too, but not in the same way. After all, Muslims didn’t kill Jesus. They only killed a few thousand real people, and destroyed some perfectly good real estate.
(Incidentally, I’m not blaming the American people for their government. It’s not as if they have a real choice, any more than we do in Britain. But that’s the price of freedom.)
These crackpots love Israel because they want to see the Temple of Solomon rebuilt in Jerusalem, which they believe will herald the second coming of Christ.
Then, after the mandatory bloodbath (we are dealing with religion after all) true believers will ascend to heaven on a fluffy golden cloud while the rest of us are pitchforked into the eternal flames of hell.
But first they have to get rid of the Al-Aqsa mosque, which currently occupies the temple site, and also happens to be the third holiest shrine in all Islam.
And this is where it could get tricky, because we all know Islam doesn’t stand for any nonsense. Actually I take that back. It stands for a lot of nonsense, like any religion.
But Islam is more than just a religion. It's a complete way of life, with very strict rules of behaviour which must be adhered to by everyone, often on pain of death.
Also, it has managed to capitalise on the anger, poverty and ignorance in the Third World by giving people meaning and structure in their lives.
As a result, it now controls a large mass of volatile primitive opinion which is quick to take offence and easily moved to senseless violence.
And it wants to take over the world.
And in my new show I’ll be making jokes about all this.
After all, if you can’t laugh at something, how can you take it seriously, right?
I’ll also be poking fun at my own personal ball and chain, the Catholic Church, which over the years has consigned more infidels and heretics to the flames of hell on earth than all the Saudi-funded suicide bombers in Pakistan.
More recently, the Church has been accused of anti-semitism because it collaborated with the nazis and ignored the Holocaust.
But we now know this was done primarily to stop the spread of communism.
The fact that so many Jews were killed was purely a bonus.
If all this sounds like your cup of tea, please come along to the show and have a few laughs.
Alternatively, if you’re likely to be offended by jokes about religion, please seek psychiatric help.